Introduction: PFLAG’s
strongest asset has always been the personal stories shared by parents
of LGBT children. During support meetings we hear many, many personal
revelations of how a parent has learned and accepted the news of a gay
child. While acceptance and understanding may take time, these stories
always carry a common theme of unconditional love and acceptance.
Support meetings offer total confidentiality, but we are always happy
when a parent feels comfortable enough to make his or her story
public. As we read of other parent’s struggles and challenges, our own
become less frightening and insurmountable. PFLAG thanks PFLAG members
Bev Skog and her husband Jack for sharing this poignant story of their
son, Stephen.
|
Thus, when one of our
three little boys seemed less interested in sports and tended to play
with others who enjoyed quiet, creative pursuits, we were not
concerned. |
Garrison Keillor’s monologues on Lake Wobegon often refer to
“bachelor Norwegian farmers.” His audience may take him to mean shy,
quiet men – or they may suspect they were men of a “different
persuasion.” Gays were definitely in the closet (if not in complete
denial) when we grew up in the 30's and 40's. Looking back, I believe
one or two of my five Norwegian uncles may have been gay. Nature or
Nurture? We subscribe to the former theory.
Both Jack and I were blessed with parents who counted among their
friends people who differed from the mid-west, white, middle-class
norm in their politics, financial status, religious affiliation,
ethnicity or sexual orientation. Neither of us heard people judged or
categorized for any of those differences. Friends were simply friends.
Thus, when one of our three little boys seemed less interested in
sports and tended to play with others who enjoyed quiet, creative
pursuits, we were not concerned. By the time Steve reached his teens,
we realized he was almost certainly gay, but we waited for him to come
to that conclusion on his own.
Following two weeks out of town at a seminary’s summer session for
boys interested in the priesthood, Steve wanted to attend the
seminary’s high school. A priest friend who visited us in Green Bay
and had known our children for years advised against sending him away
to school at that age. He told us Steve would be better off staying
with his family through high school; if he truly had a vocation, it
would still be there.
|
Due to the climate of
the times and, very likely, his Catholic upbringing, Steve was
evidently conflicted about his sexual feelings. We feel Steve got
“lost” in the drug culture and derailed from an acceptance of himself.
|
As a compromise, we let Steve attend a local Catholic boy’s high
school. Unfortunately, the campus was adjacent to a college. During the
60's that proximity meant easy access to pot, which began a long
association with drug use as an escape. Due to the climate of the times
and, very likely, his Catholic upbringing, Steve was evidently
conflicted about his sexual feelings. We feel Steve got “lost” in the
drug culture and derailed from an acceptance of himself.
After we moved to Tucson with the four girls, Steve’s fraternal
twin and his older brother followed. Steve came and went, sometimes
bringing a friend. Eventually both widowed grandmothers relocated
here. Steve liked being with family, but couldn’t seem to settle down.
At one point, in hopes counseling would help him to stop using drugs;
we talked to a neighbor and friend who was a psychiatrist. He advised
us Steve would have to want the counseling and want to
make changes or therapy would be of no avail. (This was before the
days of forced intervention and institutions that specialized in
helping patients overcome drug use. Would they have made a
difference?)
If the openness now promoted by GLBT and PFLAG had existed then,
Steve may have enjoyed a far happier and more productive life – and a
longer one. At one point he joined a group which followed the
teachings of the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. We guessed his joining a group
which promoted celibacy was a symptom of denial. However, we went to
an orientation for parents and rejoiced that this new life meant an
end to drugs. Following a group trip to the foot of the Himalayas to
meet the Maharishi, Steve returned with a bad virus. Fully recovered,
he decided to return to San Francisco.
|
If the openness now
promoted by GLBT and PFLAG had existed then, Steve may have enjoyed a
far happier and more productive life – and a longer one.
|
He enjoyed, for a brief period of time, working with a friend who
owned a small printing press. We assumed either the endeavor couldn’t
survive financially or that Steve began using drugs and the friendship
fell apart.
Drug use eventually cost him relationships with gay friends who did
accept themselves, had jobs they enjoyed, and did not need to overuse
drugs. By the time he wanted to get a new start and returned here to
enter Pima College, drug use had caused short-term memory loss, and
our very bright son was no longer able to concentrate or study. Steve
returned to San Francisco.
A few years later he returned to Tucson to escape an abusive
relationship. Unable to find or hold a job here, he left a note and
took off for San Francisco. I had a strong premonition we would never
see him again.
Steve died of head injuries in a San Francisco hospital just after
Thanksgiving twenty-seven years ago, shortly before his twenty-seventh
birthday.
|
As Garrison Keillor
says of the children in Lake Wobegon: “All of them are above average,
every one.”
|
Steve is one of three reasons we joined PFLAG. The other two are
daughters who are in loving, committed lesbian relationships. We are
happy to have their partners in our growing family, which now includes
ten grandchildren and eight great grandchildren. As Garrison Keillor
says of the children in Lake Wobegon: “All of them are above average,
every one.”
Bev Skog Fall 2007
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