LA
HISTORIA DE SUSAN
To Hell and Back
By Susan McGrew
March 2002
A woman's struggle to come to terms with her
husband's homosexuality.
|
Life was pretty good. We were happy with our lives, at
least I thought. I had no idea that during our third and fourth year
of marriage Mike was struggling within himself.
|
Mike and I met about twelve years ago. It really was not love at
first sight, but we got to know each other. I had no idea that he was
gay, but also I don't think that he truly believed that he was
gay. We got married in January of 1993. I gave birth to Kayla three
months later. Life was pretty good. We were happy with our lives, at
least I thought. I had no idea that during our third and fourth year
of marriage Mike was struggling within himself.
In our third year of marriage, Mike's behavior was changing. Some
of the things that he did to me were that he would not buy me an
anniversary gift, a birthday gift or a mother's day gift. He stopped
being romantic. The majority of the time I was forced to run the
household (pay bills, do laundry, clean the house, etc.). This had
put a great strain on me, physically and mentally.
In our fourth year of marriage. Mike became more withdrawn from
Kayla and me. I continued to "run" the household. Mike got a
second job, working as a bouncer at a gay bar. During this short
period, Mike was ignoring me even more. One night, I spied on him. I
saw him hugging and sometimes kissing on the cheek some of the guys. I
was quite devastated. I did confront him a few times on this, and he
would tell me that he had to play gay so that he could work there. I
didn't believe him. One time I was so angry with him that I went to
the bar with Kayla and yelled at him for being an irresponsible
husband and father. About three weeks later he was let go from the job
due to financial reasons. I was happy about that.
From March to October of 1997 Mike was still withdrawn from Kayla
and me. We would get into arguments. During the arguments, I would
yell at him by saying, "What are you'? F****** gay or
something?" He would deny it. I don't know why I was saying this,
but somehow, I knew.
|
The day after Thanksgiving, on our way back from Phoenix, Mike
finally told me that he was gay. I was devastated.
|
In October of 1997 we got a computer. Two weeks later we were on
the Internet. Mike started to chat to gay people in a chat room. I
questioned him on it. He told me that these people are real people,
real friends. I did not believe him. Every night, I was praying to God
to help our marriage. God was answering my prayer by using only one
word, divorce. I did not want to believe it. One night, I went onto
the computer, in this chat room as Mike. I saw some things that made
me believe that Mike was gay. He knew that I was getting closer to his
secret.
The day after Thanksgiving, on our way back from Phoenix, Mike
finally told me that he was gay. I was devastated. I wanted to leave,
but I could not, at least not out on the freeway. I did not talk to
him for three days. When I was ready to talk to him, we talked about
his gayness. Mike wanted me not to say anything to our families until
after Christmas. There was no way that I could keep this a secret. I
told him that this means a divorce, but he insisted on keeping our
marriage together, that we could work things out. I asked him what
could we work out? Share the same guy? No way! The next day I told my
mom about what was happening. I asked her if I could move back home,
if needed. She said yes, but I did not know that the next day would be
the day.
|
I went to my first PFLAG meeting
in January of 1998. Glenn, who was
a friend of Mike's, offered to take me to the meeting.
|
The next morning before work I was checking the email. I saw that
Mike had emailed some guy six times. I opened up the file to discover
a note with two pictures. The two pictures were of Mike. One picture
was of him, and the other I would rather not say. The note below said,
"It's me. Love you, Mikey." I broke down. I was so angry
that I emailed the note to his mother (she never got it). I grabbed
our wedding cake top and smashed it on top of the computer desk. I
also broke the top of the desk. I smashed our wineglasses and ripped
up pictures of Mike and me. I did all of this in front of our
four-year-old daughter. At that point, I decided to move. I packed
some of my important stuff and went to work. I called my mom and told
her. I started to make plans to move that night, and I left the next
day. At about 9:00 p.m. Mike woke up to get ready for work. I had a
pile of boxes and some tape. I was ready to pack. After he left, I
called one of' the country radio stations that Mike listens to. I
asked the DJ to play Kathy Matea song, "Walking Away a Winner." The DJ played the song. I started to pack. Kayla was
with my brother and his wife. I packed from 9:00 p.m. at night to I:00
p.m. the
next day, getting two hours of sleep, and then I was out of the house.
I went to my first PFLAG meeting in January of 1998. Glenn, who was
a friend of Mike's, offered to take me to the meeting. After I said,
"My name is Susan and my husband is gay," I broke down
crying.
Mike tried everything to stop the divorce from becoming final, but
on May 26, 1998, after 5 years of marriage, our divorce was finalized.
Mike was on Mt. Graham camping on that day.
About one and one-half years ago, Mike asked me to forgive him for
all the things that he did to me during our marriage. I forgave him.
|
Many people have asked me,
"How did you do it? I have never
heard of a divorced couple living this close to each other." I
would tell them that my ex-husband is gay and that we are friends.
|
As of today, Kayla and I moved in to our new place. It is part of a
six-plex. The apartments are occupied by a heterosexual couple, a gay
couple, a gay man, Kayla and me, a lesbian lady, and the last
apartment is occupied by Mike, my ex-husband, and his partner. Kayla
and I moved into an apartment two doors down from Mike. In 1997, my
goal was to become friends with Mike. In August of 1998 was the last
argument that I had with Mike. On February 24, 2002, my goal took a
huge step forward. I never dreamed that I would be living this close
to Mike, but Kayla and I did it.
Many people have asked me, "How did you do it? I have never
heard of a divorced couple living this close to each other." I
would tell them that my ex-husband is gay and that we are friends. I
did not do this alone. God was one of my biggest supporters. I prayed
a lot. I have a special group of friends that kept me going when the
stress got to be too much at times. I also read a lot of positive
mental attitude books. My friends from PFLAG gave me the support I
needed from a homosexual standpoint. My parents, my brother, and his
wife gave me the family support that I really needed. I thank
all of these people from the bottom of my heart. Last but not least,
I want to thank Mike for our beautiful daughter Kayla Rose. I also
want to thank him for the experience and the wisdom I gained getting
to this point in my life. I'm glad that we are and will continue to
maintain a level of friendship that most people don't have. I continue
to be involved in PFLAG because I have the experience to help other
straight spouses who find themselves in the same situation that I was
once in.
(This article was published in the March 2002 issue
of the Tucson PFLAG Newsletter.)
[
top ]
