LA
HISTORIA DE SCOTT
CONTEMPLATING
SUICIDE? IT'S NOT THE ANSWER
February 2002
A young man's struggle in
coming to terms with
his homosexuality and finding a partner
I am a 31-year-old gay male who has survived a difficult childhood.
I have horrible childhood memories of being shunned at school because
I was different. While I always knew I was different, I didn’t
understand why for many unhappy years.
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Finally in a sixth-grade
sex-education class at school I understood
why I was so different from the other children, but this generated
fears that you could never imagine.
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During my school years there were many puzzling and hurtful
experiences. Once while visiting my grandparents I was happily playing
with one of my cousin’s baby dolls. My mother told me I should not
be playing with dolls because I was a little boy. She then told me to
go in the bathroom, pull down my pants and look for myself. I didn’t
understand her obvious displeasure at my innocuous playacting. I was
treating the doll gently and lovingly as if it were a real baby. How
could this be conceived as being wrong? Were boys not supposed to
love? I was so confused and depressed at this time in my life and knew
something had to change. Each night I would pray to God and ask him to
please help me fit in like all the other kids in the world. Why was I
the only kid not fitting in?
Finally in a sixth-grade sex-education class at school I understood
why I was so different from the other children, but this generated
fears that you could never imagine. I decided I had to live the rest
of my life by living a lie. How could I ever expect anyone to
understand my thoughts and concerns if even I couldn’t fully
understand them? I went on to junior high and made a few friends with
a couple of girls. These girls were true friends and would have fought
tooth or nail to protect me. No, they didn’t know I was gay, and I
was not going to risk our friendship by telling them. I was constantly
being asked if I were a "FAG" by my other classmates, and I
would lie. Names such as "FAG", fudge packer, sissy boy,
mama’s boy, girlie, boy lover, etc. cut through my heart and were
difficult to understand, as I had not done anything wrong. I had never
been with a boy or man.
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All I wanted was to
have someone understand
me, but I knew no one could, because I heard all the other students
talk so bad about homosexuals, FAGS, Sissy’s etc. I had never heard
one good thing about homosexuals.
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I eventually made it to high school but dreaded the thought of
starting another new school. I had no self-esteem and just wanted to
die. My older sister also attended the same school and would stick up
for me any chance she could, but I wondered if she would have stuck up
for me if she knew I was gay? I could not tell her. How would I deal
with not having a sister being there for me? I already felt alone in
this world with no where to turn. I loved her so much I would have
done anything to make her happy. One year I sent her a dozen red roses
on her birthday with a card signed "From an admirer" because
she longed to get flowers from a boyfriend. Needless to say, this made
her day. I was careful not to hang around my sister and her friends
while in school because I feared she might lose her friends if they
knew she had a gay brother.
I looked for solutions to end my unhappiness. Maybe in a drama
class I could learn how to act straight, because apparently people saw
something in my actions that told them I was gay. I also tried dating
a girl, who had become a good friend, but things just didn’t work
out, and I was miserable in the relationship. Even though she already
had a gay friend who she accepted, I still could not open up to her. I
had been conditioned for so long that gays are bad that I could never
admit that I was gay to anyone. Day by day I became more and more
depressed and suicidal. All I wanted was to have someone understand
me, but I knew no one could, because I heard all the other students
talk so bad about homosexuals, FAGS, Sissy’s etc. I had never heard
one good thing about homosexuals.
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On October 15, 1991 I
had arranged to take my life. My plan was to
take some pills and go to bed that night and never have to deal with
my unhappy life again.
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When I turned 21 my female friend from high school and her gay
friend had taken me to my first GAY BAR. I was in heaven! All these
men seemed so happy! They all accepted themselves and were having so
much fun! But I knew I could never live that life, as I was raised in
the First Church of God based of Anderson, Indiana. I would try to
build myself up Monday through Saturday, and then on Sunday I would go
to church and get knocked down again. The next day I would start to
build myself up and work on myself all week and start feeling a little
better, and then I would go to church on Sunday and get knocked back
down again. I was really getting tired of the roller coaster of life
and decided to end it all.
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She told me she knew I
was gay and wanted me to know she loved me very
much and she could not live without me in her life. For the first time
in my life someone had reached out to me and showed me unconditional
love.
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On October 15, 1991 I had arranged to take my life. My plan was to
take some pills and go to bed that night and never have to deal with
my unhappy life again. I thought anything had to be better than the
hell I was living through on a daily basis. I had called my female
friend from high school to tell her good-bye and ask if she could take
my cat and give him a good home. She said she wanted to talk to me and
asked if she could come pick me up and we could take a ride somewhere.
I agreed and we went to a park and sat there for three hours talking.
She told me she knew I was gay and wanted me to know she loved me very
much and she could not live without me in her life. For the first time
in my life someone had reached out to me and showed me unconditional
love. I thank God everyday because I would not be here today if He
hadn’t sent me that Guardian Angel to be by my side at the lowest
time in my life. This began the process of healing and acceptance that
made a happy, productive life possible.
If you are thinking about suicide, I just want you to know things
can and will get better. Keep your chin up high, know that you are
very special, and the world needs more people like you. Remember you
always have a friend at PFLAG.
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Following
up in Scott's Life — A PFLAG Success Story
We are a gay couple and we have been together for three
years. As you all know, its not easy being gay and being
completely open about your relationship. We have taken on the
challenge of being ourselves and being open to everyone we
ever encounter. Whether we are at work (we have the same
employer), grocery store, or a movie. We don’t feel as if we
are being honest to anyone unless people know who we really
are.
We want to thank PFLAG for all the support, love and
understanding. Many people feel the PFLAG support meetings are
for the Parents, Friends, and Family of the gay and lesbian
community, but they are much more than that. They are a loving
group of people that accept people for who they are and want
to make the world a better place for everyone. The PFLAG
family has made us feel like we are truly a part of the Tucson
Community. They are always willing to reach out and help the
community in any way they can. You can find them marching in
the St. Patrick’s Day Parade, and even at the Outoberfest
Picnic. They are a remarkable group of people and make
everyone feel welcomed. If you have not attended one of the
PFLAG meeting now would be a great time to come. Hope to see
you there.
Scott and Chuck
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(This article was published in the
February 2002 issue
of the Tucson PFLAG Newsletter.)
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